Twas the Night Before Christmas.....The REAL Version!!!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, kids were screaming and toys were all over the floor! Stockings were hung on the stair rail with shower curtain rings, cause daddy was so silly and forgot to but string! I was standing in the kitchen preparing the meal, when I heard a big noise not just a clutter, the kids pulled down a 7 foot tree, loaded with everything you might say, all I saw was the two of them start to run away!!! Katy sat on the couch and began to cry, Lena ran for the door and tried to go outside!!! There were ornaments and candy canes slung under the couch, Katy kept crying and started to pout! Looked over at Lena and got a surprise, a tree branch in her hand, "i don't know" in her eyes!!! In my anger I told them that Christmas was over, yeah, that made em stop crying!!! Picked up the tree and put it all back, the two girls happily jumped on my lap. I told them AGAIN to stay away from the tree, pointed to the mess and said,"see what I mean". With tears wiped away, Christmas was back, next year, I'll plan ahead, and go buy some crack!
Merry Christmas to all of our friends and families! We love and miss you! Have a great day people!!!

I want that Daddy!

Only 4 more days until I can stop hearing, "i want that daddy!" I cannot wait for that fat guy in the red suit to come and go this year! I know I only have 18 years or so left of hearing this...but Whoa! Did I do this as a child? I don't think so.....although my parents will probably tell you different! It is to the point where Katy says she wants something before the commercial fully comes on! today, she saw a toy commercial, and said those magical words, then a new commercial starts to come on, she yells "I want that!" The commercial turned out to be for Messingale....they don't make no toys meester!!!! HAaaaaa! Yesterday I was at work, the girls were at home making cookies. Today, Lena's diaper looked like she ate a green glow stick!!! What in the hell would do that? I know that black icing has a similar effect, but this was not involved! Katy got a prize from one of those lovely machines outside the supermarket today. (The company who manufactures/operates these can go straight to hell!) Her prize was a miniature twenty dollar bill. She jumped up and down exclaiming, "I'm rich everybody!!!" She then looked at Andrew Jackson on the bill and told me that it looks just like me!!! Maybe they should show a commercial for parental respect on T.V.! My parents just got back from a long cruise from places where english is barely a first language and the water looks like a clear day sky! I'm not jealous at all, I love being up here where you get to experience below freezing temps, get 2-3 inches of road salt stuck to your car(really good for the clear coat!) and retards that think they are NASCAR drivers when the roads are obviously covered with snow! Yup, more fun than most people could hope for! I am cold, tired and the 26th cant come soon enough, but I have beautiful girls to keep me company...lots and lots of company! Have a great day people!!!

Boobies.....Not so much Katy!

Katy has this thing right now about boobies! I don't know where it came from or when it will end but boobies are the "talk of the house" and beyond. The other day she took both snack bowls, turned around, shoved them up her shirt, and turned back around and exclaimed. "look daddy, I'm just like mommy!" I believe Colleen is much bigger than snack bowls, but I got the point! Then I got up this morning and she comes running into my room and says, " daddy, don't look at my bra!" Where in the hell did she get a bra, she's freaking 3 people!!!??? I thought about it and thought that it must be...I don't know what the heck it is, but I am pretty sure there aren't 3 year old boys walking around with jock straps and such! So, I went to the store today and Katy ran up to Betty, to give her a hug! I am not saying she is old, but I did first learn of her from reading the Bible! Anyway, she hugs her and we continue shopping. We get to the register and Katy waits for it to get extremely quiet, and the says to me ( in her loudest Dora voice!) "daddy, Miss Betty's boobies are on her tummy, did they fall down?" I know just about everybody in that store, but at that moment,  felt like I was shopping naked in a high-end store in the middle of Beijing! My ears got hot and I could feel everybody getting child services on speed dial for the large man who has taught his three year old to comment on seniors' boobies!!! OMG! I didn't make a great big deal about it because I know if I did, she would REALLY talk about them later! Have a great day people!!!

Pickles and Snickers!!!!

A lot has happened in the last few days, and I cant remember crap! My daughters have worn me down like an eraser during the SAT's!!! I put up the Christmas lights yesterday in 21 degree weather! What the hell? I almost colored a light bulb red and put a lamp in the front yard! I got them up and the girl's ( including Colleen) loved them! Yay Dad!Katy stayed home from school today because she has had a sore tummy off and on for a couple of weeks.I took her to the doctor to get it checked out. While the doctor was examining her, she asked her what makes her tummy feel better. Katy replied, "when I drop a deuce!" The doctor, without missing a beat, then asked, "How many do you drop in a day?" Awesome! Someone else speaks her language!!! Lena is starting this thing that you can't learn, she walks up to you, bites you, and then kisses you! What in the hell is that all about?!?! That crap hurts, but then the kiss is cool! Maybe she is meant to help people feel better, and since we are predominantly happy people, she MUST make us feel bad first to do it! Whatever...Colleen is 8 months pregnant now and cannot wait...the other night, I asked her if she wanted to join me in a late night snack. I told her that I would go ANYWHERE she wanted...McD's, Wendy's....She told me she wanted Pickles and Snickers!!! That is one combination, as a chef, that I have never even thought of!!! She looked at me with all seriousness, and said, "you should try it, it's delicious!!!" I will just trust her! Have a great day people!!!

She thinks, therefore........She speaks!!!

Katy, my precious Katy! On the way home yesterday, I was going to stop at Save-A-Lot to get some trash bags and such. Katy told me that she had to go to the bathroom when we got there. Save-A-Lot doesn't have a bathroom, oh well! "We can go to Shop-n-Save instead honey, I just wont save as much money!" Katy replies, "That's okay daddy, then you can shop AND save, cause that's what it says!" We get to the store, get our items in the cart and encounter a little boy(around 2 1/2 years old) shopping with his gramma. This little boy was very assertive from the start. He had messed up hair, dirty fingers and looked like not too many people give him the time of day! He started rambling on about trains and playing outside and other things. Katy looked up at me and kind of clammed up! This is a first! Someone who is more extroverted than my Katy! I looked at Katy and told her to be nice to him and talk. She did, the magic in that little boy's eyes was shining through.(we later found out that his name was Aiden) He was so happy to have someone to talk to, he just kept going and going! Katy go this look in her eyes like she was being lectured by a teacher in school for putting the chalkboard erasers in the toilet! But she listened, and interacted with him. He kept touching her shoulder and giving her the occasional hug while saying, "thank you!" She finally turned to me, as I knew I was raising her right, and said, " Daddy, this boy has a real talking bug! He should stomp on it so we can go!!!" I almost fell on the floor with laughter and embarrassment! Have a great day people!!!

Do as I do.....only sometimes kid!

This morning has been fantastic so far. My alarm went off on my phone, which happens to be a crowing rooster! Did I get up? Nope, I started having a dream about living on a farm! What the hell?!? Don't you hate when that happens? At least my alarm isn't a toilet flushing...I may have shit the bed! So, I wake up (quickly!) and Katy is sitting on the bed next to me telling me that I  sound like a monster when I snore! I fly out of bed, and run for the bathroom! ( gotta pee before I even breathe in the AM) Lena see's me and starts whaling...MAAAAAAAAAAAA-MAAAAAAAAAAA! Obviously, I am not, must be my good morning looks! Anyway, had to pick her up and then pee! Have you ever peed in the morning holding a 1 year old? She is bending over as far as she can to see where it is coming from, I have no free hands to stop her, and because of that trash can of water I drank the night before...I feel like I am going for ever!!! Put on my wings, fly around the house, get clothes, shoes, socks, coats, gloves and hats.....kids are ready! Okay, lets go....Well, I am wearing fruit of the loom boxer-briefs and a tank top! Not good for driving the kids to school! Run upstairs and get changed! Now we are in the car and Katy exclaims, " Daddy, I hope my school is covered in snow so I don't have to go today! (there is less than an inch on the road!) I looked back, smiled, and said, "Me too princess!" we get to school on time, thanks to the Green Hornet!(the 7 seat grocery getter we have upgraded to!) On the way home Lena is screaming for chocolate! We accidentally introduced her to Co-Co Puffs cereal, and my God, does she love it! Sitting at breakfast, I passed gas. Not a little prrt or silent one, but one so loud and smelly that it would make a port-a-potty at a crowded festival hold it's nose! Lena looked at me, started turning bright red, hunched over, and squeezed out an outfit changing, high-chair sanitizing shit followed by a hearty belly-laugh and then yelled "faaaat"!!!! Made my morning! Have a great day people!!!

Life gets faster, time gets slower....

Good morning people! First snow today in Pittsburgh! Why in the hell do I continue to live up here??? I was down in the Carolina's for a week, and almost stayed! I woke up this morning and realized the magic of snow had left me. I woke up, looked outside...and nothing! When I was a kid, I would have been trying to get my snow boots over my pajamas...and screw breakfast....I'm going outside! Now, I just ask myself, Why? Okay let me tell you why....because I happen to be the proud father of a 3 year old who STILL has the magic I once had!!! So, I will re-kindle it through her!(I guess) Katy gets up, looks outside, and starts jumping around like a kangaroo on fire! She REALLY loves this stuff. Vacation was so good, I almost stayed! I mean, if you are going to be homeless, be homeless at the beach! Really? Are there really homeless people in Pittsburgh? or Chicago? I wonder if there are any homeless people in Alaska... dude, IF I were homeless, I would definitely find my way down south. If I could not get down south, and I was stuck in a cold-ass city, I would walk around until I saw a Policeman and some witnesses (in the same area) , and beat the livin' shit out of the cop! Within 2 hours, I would be in Jail, pleading guilty, on my way to the big house, getting 3 hots and a cot, cable TV, gym membership, and another college degree! My rant is over! Have a great day people!!!

Busier than a homeless mouse in a cheese line.....

This week has been a whirlwind from hell! Started with a Steeler game party at Lori's house....Katy was an angel, in fact I barely saw her, she took off with the other kids and I ceased to exist! Lena....WOW! She made up for all of Katy's mischief. Lena attacked Lori's party buffet like I had never fed her before! Everybody was looking at me like a shitty father! At one point, I looked down and she had her entire hand buried in the ranch dip, and next door to that, there were claw marks in the cheese ball! I was scared to let her play in the yard for fear that she would eat the lawn and plants!!!  We were all standing in the back yard, bull crapping and what not and Tim came out and asked who threw the regular trash into the recycling can....and I heard it...the quote of the day....Joe, in his best kuntry accent, proclaims, "I'm form Kentucky, we don't recycle!!!! Fantastic! Next, we decided on a whim, to drive to South Carolina at 9pm instead of the next day! It sounded good because the kids SHOULD sleep through the night right? Well, Lena did fine but Katy decided that it would in her best interest to stay up as late as possible. Thank you Jim for the portable DVD player! More to come on the trip...once I finish it! Have a great day people!

First words?...yeah right!

This may be a bit winded, but I need to incubate and give birth to THIS point! So, guys are so appreciative and for some, the glorious lights of heaven shine on their heads when their new infant says DADA first! For the mothers, worry not, and here's why... it is bull crap! Because it wasn't MAMA first, just means that their buccinator, masseter and obicularis oris region muscles are fully adapted to speaking, the are fully adapted to suckling! Which is ironic, because that makes us daddy's suckers!!! DADA, out of the mouth of a little baby actually means a myriad of things. It could mean, I'm awake! Pick me up you giant jag-off! or hey, I've just shit myself, take off my diaper so I can pee everywhere, or Quick, I have just eaten, hold me so I can puke on you! As they get older, the definitions can change. Around a year old, DADA is sometimes used as a battle cry while swiping those razor-like finger nails at your face for taking away the 4 pound tub of peanut butter, or a melodic whine when MAMA leaves for work, to show blame!(for mama leaving of course! again, enter battle cry!) So, words are very important in the development of your child's conversation. When you teach a new word, teach the right one! Katy is a few months shy of 4 years old and I feel fully responsible for her "vocabulary" discrepancies! Example? Sure! Boy's and girl's private parts should be taught as a penis and a vagina! End of story! We messed up, thinking we would save ourselves future embarrassment by naming them, like every other family, after food products! Why is that anyway? Peach, muffin, hot dog...is it to subconsciously prepare them for their sexual years, so certain "acts" wont seem so gross?!?! If this IS this case, I'm changin' our family's words to grenade and cow pattie! Anyway, we use Pickle and Peeps. Peeps, I'm not too sure about(unless it's the Easter candy) you gotta ask my wife about that, but pickle,well, it beat out summer sausage by a mile! Lena was in the fridge yesterday grabbing the....wait for it......pickles! Whole one's! Claussen, Always Chilled! Katy grabs one, holds it straight to her nether regions, and exclaims that she was now a little boy! Hooray for what we teach our kids!!! But that was not the point of my rant, this is, be careful what you teach your children, AND teach your children what they need to know! ( or else they will make shit up!) Colleen was getting ready for work, and for a brief moment was topless. Katy told me not to look at mommy's boobies, and covered my eyes. She then put on her bra and Katy exclaimed that I could look now because mommy has on her Booby-trap!!! Have a great day people!

Katy...you don't say that stuff in public...

Katy had a sore belly, Yay, "super dad" let her stay home! I should have made her go to the doctors office to get proof! I guess I will learn in time. For the most part the girls were okay, the usual fighting, scratching, sister-dominance stuff! I asked Katy how she was feeling after nap, she said, "great daddy!" " Cool, lets go and surprise your mommy at work!" She was singing and telling jokes all the way there. We get up to Colleen's floor in the hospital, she sees mommy and the face goes to a scowl, body goes limp and she holds her stomach like I just kicked it! Really?!? Colleen mentions that I shouldn't bring her out if she is sick! Oh My God! are you kidding me??? Well, no harm, no foul! We get in the car and she asks if we can go to the mall to play! This kid is working me like an indentured servant ( with less pay!) So, I told her no, we will stop by the store and then we are going home so that she can "rest" on the couch! At the local grocery store, she ran around and asked for EVERYTHING! She claimed she was SOOOOOOOO hungry!(again, making me look like Father of the Year!) We get to the register, and the cashier is talking to the bagger about how a guy didn't show up to work because he lost his license and couldn't drive. Katy was looking at candy, cause they put that crap at kid's eye-level on purpose, and she SURE heard THAT conversation! Piping in like she was part of their Friend-Ring, she says,"My daddy got HIS license "pusended", but he drove anyway, cause he's bigger than those mean police men!!!" Katy, you don't say that stuff in public! So all the way out of the store...Daddy's going to jail, daddy's going to jail...tonight's dinner; water, bread and duct tape! Have a great day people!

Ridin' Dirty....

Almost 4 1/2 years ago, I received a speeding ticket...for speeding! After paying the fines(which were ridiculous!) and going to the 20 minute "better driver" class, all was complete! So I thought! Two weeks ago, when I went to renew mt license, the nice man at the DMV told me that my License was suspended!!! For what, I scoffed, I haven't been pulled over in almost 5 years! He tells me that it was suspended for a ticket i received...almost 5 years ago! Really?!?! I have been ridin' dirty for almost 5 years? Now I havent been pulled over since then, or else I would have gone to jail, but this feeling of "holy crap" just consumed me! How many states have I driven through? how many time's have I sped since then? How many "rolling stops" have I preformed? Questions I am asking myself while trying to keep my kids from jumping on the senior citizens at the DMV! Wait...do you know what REAL fear is? Go to your local DMV and just sit there and watch the people they ACTUALLY give a driver's license to. I watched them give a card to a lady who was obviously the original editor of the Bible! She could not walk to the door in under 20 minutes and only had one eye open! I am more scared to drive now! Anyway, a 15 day suspension is what I was looking at. During this suspension, I went about 4 MPH under the limit, Put on my seat belt(even if I was just getting something out of the car!), and used my turn signals EVERY TIME I turned the wheel! (parking lot, driveway..you name it!) On the 4th or 5th day (while driving Katy to school) , I told Katy to sit still and why(the whole situation!)
She then told me that SHE would drive if the cops got us, because SHE wasn't "pusended!" I so love her! I got my license back today, $70 later, and I drove 80 in a 25 zone just for fun! I am kidding, have a great day people!

Really????

I worked 14 1/2 hours yesterday and got home at 2:45 this morning. Walked in the front door and there was Colleen sleeping on the couch, Katy, Alex and Lizzy on the sofa bed and of course Lena was in her crib! They looked so peaceful! Colleen's friend Lori was sick so she took the kids of her hands to recoup. I thought, how cool is my wife?!? So, I woke up this morning to the sound of world war 3, in my living room! Kids were screaming, throwing random stuff at random walls and somehow, they were hitting the ceiling that sits UNDER my bed!(still cant figure that one out!) I got up, went downstairs, and it was louder than I expected! At first glance, it looked like 20 kids or so were here. Unfortunately, I missed the "morning feeding", but I did manage to step on some cheerio's, Lego's and a few pillow and blankets. Alas, time for some morning "me" time! HaHaHa I got hit more times than I can count, HI UNCLE JEFF, HI DADDY, DJDTBHEDDZG(Lena said this!) WOW! I instantly had more respect for people with more kids than myself! To make all matters worse, the sugar bowl is missing! Really???? The morning has gone okay, no ER visits, annnnnd...it's lunch time! On the menu...whatever the hell the want, as long as they have food in their faces and are quiet for at least 10 minutes! Ravioli, Macaroni & Cheese and Corn Dogs...YAY! Katy got 2 tablespoons of mustard on her face and got mad when I wiped it off, Alex ate his mac n cheese like it was his last meal (i swear he just put his face over the bowl, took a deep breath, and it was gone!), I am pretty sure that Lizzy wanted Filet Mignon and Lima beans, but she was too polite to ask, and Lena painter her hair with everything on her high chair tray. She looked like on e of those mud-people of the Amazon from Discovery channel! Lunch is over and Lena gets a sink bath then goes down for a quiet nap! SOUNDS good, huh? I am hiding in the garage right now, and Katy just found me! Damn, respite over, have a great day people!

Cheaper than candy...

The girls have horns today! I had to run around the house and hide all sharp objects and scissors! Lena was an angel until I picked Katy up from school, then all hell broke loose! Do they feed off each other? Are they each half of Satan? I believe this will always be a mystery! Katy comes running in the kitchen while I am making dinner and says, "daddy, Lena is on the couch and she is eating bend-a-roos!" First, Lena is not allowed on the couch. Not for shedding or scratching reasons, but because she likes to fall off! She doesn't even brace herself like natural human instinct tells you to, she goes face first and I am positive that if she were to fall backwards, she would turn her head so her face was STILL hit first! Second, she is not allowed to eat bend-a-roos! Not for toxic reasons, or waxy stool deposits...it is because I give them enough REAL food to eat and it makes me feel inadequate! Bend-a-roos, for those of you who don't know, are like really thin pipe cleaners covered in wax, that you make crafts with and are guaranteed...blah, blah, blah. Anyway they are super fun for a 3 year old, but like a buffet if you are 1! Personally, I believe all kids need to eat a bend-a-roo at least once just for the experience of dropping a deuce at 35mph! They are also much cheaper than candy, with about the same nutritional value! So, off the couch and give up the wax lollies kid! Have a great day people!

Why would we bake Jesus a cake daddy?

This morning I mentioned out loud that I was dragging my butt...Katy, without pausing, asked,"please, allow me to call you a tow-truck!". I asked her where she heard that, she said that it was in her Leapfrog learning book! Money well spent! Later we go to talking about ALL of the Christmas presents she wants...I told her that Santa could only bring her 3 or 4 toys because of all the other kids who don't have ANY toys yet, to which she replied, "I only need like 2 toys then daddy!" I believe we are doing something right. I then explained the real reason we celebrate Christmas and suggested we make Jesus a cake for his birthday. She looked confused. About 2 minutes later, she said,"Why would we make Jesus a cake for his birthday, he couldn't eat it, he is hanging in your room on the letter T!" I cant make this stuff up people! She is the reason I still view life through rose colored glasses, my muse, my princess! Not to leave Angelina out...while we were having this conversation, she cranked out a turd that would make The Great Trash Heap plug her nose!
Taking my kids to the" petri dish" today ( the Children's Museum). I swear to goodness, every kid in there licks everything in there, my kids are not excluded! It is cheaper than the co-pay to get your kids vaccinated though, my kids have more anti-bodies than I ever had as a kid!!! If they shut that place down for one day, scraped the floors and equipment, they could probably cure AIDS and cancer with one whack! It is veteran's day today, so go and hug a homeless person! (prove me I'm wrong) Have a great day people!

Why is there a cheese curl in the speaker?

Today I caught Lena putting a cheese curl in my surround sound woofer! Wow, i thought, why would she start doing that? Fact is, she didn't just start....I also pulled out a plastic Easter egg, a pink sock, crust from a grilled cheese sandwich, 2 Lego's and what appears to be a handful of green grapes...circa 2009! What in the hell is going on here? I want to go to Lowe's and buy her a mailbox! Since then, I have been running around checking bottom drawers, shoes and other places that a miniature OCD hider could store some goodies! There are no Gremlins or dryer trolls people...there are one-year-old's! I am confident that they are responsible for hiding 90% of what goes missing in MY house. (and maybe my neighbors as well!) Next week I am getting a GPS installed on my daughter, i will track her habits, trace her steps, and figure out where all of my left-foot black socks have gone! Have a great day people!

It's all downhill from here!

So, first time blogging, allowed more than 450 characters(Facebook limits!) and Jodi Colella from Accents Unlimited is to blame for this!
Took the kids to the park yesterday, after 20 minutes, Lena peed through her diaper and Katy says she has to drop a deuce....Coll suggested we leave (for lack of public restrooms), Katy cried and said she just had to pee! So to the tree we go...while she was down there, she dropped a 7 inch log, that a park ranger is probably going to blame on a rouge grizzly bear! I love my girls and am reminded daily what it was like to be a kid! Everyday one of them does something to make it easier to be a dad! I used to be selfish, worry-free and without schedules. Now I have thrust myself into the day to day operations of saving lives, nurturing, teaching and laughing with the most precious creatures on the planet...my daughters!
Worlds greatest dad ends with a question mark because how do you know you are? You see other parents with their kids on a leash at the mall and you think...how cruel and demeaning is that? Then you have kids and you think...Duct tape would work just as well and be cheaper too!!! No, I don't tape up my kids, but the point is , it is all relative and situational! Besides, I have this length of rope that I used to hang the bird feeder.....Have a great day people!