Twas the Night Before Christmas.....The REAL Version!!!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, kids were screaming and toys were all over the floor! Stockings were hung on the stair rail with shower curtain rings, cause daddy was so silly and forgot to but string! I was standing in the kitchen preparing the meal, when I heard a big noise not just a clutter, the kids pulled down a 7 foot tree, loaded with everything you might say, all I saw was the two of them start to run away!!! Katy sat on the couch and began to cry, Lena ran for the door and tried to go outside!!! There were ornaments and candy canes slung under the couch, Katy kept crying and started to pout! Looked over at Lena and got a surprise, a tree branch in her hand, "i don't know" in her eyes!!! In my anger I told them that Christmas was over, yeah, that made em stop crying!!! Picked up the tree and put it all back, the two girls happily jumped on my lap. I told them AGAIN to stay away from the tree, pointed to the mess and said,"see what I mean". With tears wiped away, Christmas was back, next year, I'll plan ahead, and go buy some crack!
Merry Christmas to all of our friends and families! We love and miss you! Have a great day people!!!

I want that Daddy!

Only 4 more days until I can stop hearing, "i want that daddy!" I cannot wait for that fat guy in the red suit to come and go this year! I know I only have 18 years or so left of hearing this...but Whoa! Did I do this as a child? I don't think so.....although my parents will probably tell you different! It is to the point where Katy says she wants something before the commercial fully comes on! today, she saw a toy commercial, and said those magical words, then a new commercial starts to come on, she yells "I want that!" The commercial turned out to be for Messingale....they don't make no toys meester!!!! HAaaaaa! Yesterday I was at work, the girls were at home making cookies. Today, Lena's diaper looked like she ate a green glow stick!!! What in the hell would do that? I know that black icing has a similar effect, but this was not involved! Katy got a prize from one of those lovely machines outside the supermarket today. (The company who manufactures/operates these can go straight to hell!) Her prize was a miniature twenty dollar bill. She jumped up and down exclaiming, "I'm rich everybody!!!" She then looked at Andrew Jackson on the bill and told me that it looks just like me!!! Maybe they should show a commercial for parental respect on T.V.! My parents just got back from a long cruise from places where english is barely a first language and the water looks like a clear day sky! I'm not jealous at all, I love being up here where you get to experience below freezing temps, get 2-3 inches of road salt stuck to your car(really good for the clear coat!) and retards that think they are NASCAR drivers when the roads are obviously covered with snow! Yup, more fun than most people could hope for! I am cold, tired and the 26th cant come soon enough, but I have beautiful girls to keep me company...lots and lots of company! Have a great day people!!!

Boobies.....Not so much Katy!

Katy has this thing right now about boobies! I don't know where it came from or when it will end but boobies are the "talk of the house" and beyond. The other day she took both snack bowls, turned around, shoved them up her shirt, and turned back around and exclaimed. "look daddy, I'm just like mommy!" I believe Colleen is much bigger than snack bowls, but I got the point! Then I got up this morning and she comes running into my room and says, " daddy, don't look at my bra!" Where in the hell did she get a bra, she's freaking 3 people!!!??? I thought about it and thought that it must be...I don't know what the heck it is, but I am pretty sure there aren't 3 year old boys walking around with jock straps and such! So, I went to the store today and Katy ran up to Betty, to give her a hug! I am not saying she is old, but I did first learn of her from reading the Bible! Anyway, she hugs her and we continue shopping. We get to the register and Katy waits for it to get extremely quiet, and the says to me ( in her loudest Dora voice!) "daddy, Miss Betty's boobies are on her tummy, did they fall down?" I know just about everybody in that store, but at that moment,  felt like I was shopping naked in a high-end store in the middle of Beijing! My ears got hot and I could feel everybody getting child services on speed dial for the large man who has taught his three year old to comment on seniors' boobies!!! OMG! I didn't make a great big deal about it because I know if I did, she would REALLY talk about them later! Have a great day people!!!

Pickles and Snickers!!!!

A lot has happened in the last few days, and I cant remember crap! My daughters have worn me down like an eraser during the SAT's!!! I put up the Christmas lights yesterday in 21 degree weather! What the hell? I almost colored a light bulb red and put a lamp in the front yard! I got them up and the girl's ( including Colleen) loved them! Yay Dad!Katy stayed home from school today because she has had a sore tummy off and on for a couple of weeks.I took her to the doctor to get it checked out. While the doctor was examining her, she asked her what makes her tummy feel better. Katy replied, "when I drop a deuce!" The doctor, without missing a beat, then asked, "How many do you drop in a day?" Awesome! Someone else speaks her language!!! Lena is starting this thing that you can't learn, she walks up to you, bites you, and then kisses you! What in the hell is that all about?!?! That crap hurts, but then the kiss is cool! Maybe she is meant to help people feel better, and since we are predominantly happy people, she MUST make us feel bad first to do it! Whatever...Colleen is 8 months pregnant now and cannot wait...the other night, I asked her if she wanted to join me in a late night snack. I told her that I would go ANYWHERE she wanted...McD's, Wendy's....She told me she wanted Pickles and Snickers!!! That is one combination, as a chef, that I have never even thought of!!! She looked at me with all seriousness, and said, "you should try it, it's delicious!!!" I will just trust her! Have a great day people!!!

She thinks, therefore........She speaks!!!

Katy, my precious Katy! On the way home yesterday, I was going to stop at Save-A-Lot to get some trash bags and such. Katy told me that she had to go to the bathroom when we got there. Save-A-Lot doesn't have a bathroom, oh well! "We can go to Shop-n-Save instead honey, I just wont save as much money!" Katy replies, "That's okay daddy, then you can shop AND save, cause that's what it says!" We get to the store, get our items in the cart and encounter a little boy(around 2 1/2 years old) shopping with his gramma. This little boy was very assertive from the start. He had messed up hair, dirty fingers and looked like not too many people give him the time of day! He started rambling on about trains and playing outside and other things. Katy looked up at me and kind of clammed up! This is a first! Someone who is more extroverted than my Katy! I looked at Katy and told her to be nice to him and talk. She did, the magic in that little boy's eyes was shining through.(we later found out that his name was Aiden) He was so happy to have someone to talk to, he just kept going and going! Katy go this look in her eyes like she was being lectured by a teacher in school for putting the chalkboard erasers in the toilet! But she listened, and interacted with him. He kept touching her shoulder and giving her the occasional hug while saying, "thank you!" She finally turned to me, as I knew I was raising her right, and said, " Daddy, this boy has a real talking bug! He should stomp on it so we can go!!!" I almost fell on the floor with laughter and embarrassment! Have a great day people!!!

Do as I do.....only sometimes kid!

This morning has been fantastic so far. My alarm went off on my phone, which happens to be a crowing rooster! Did I get up? Nope, I started having a dream about living on a farm! What the hell?!? Don't you hate when that happens? At least my alarm isn't a toilet flushing...I may have shit the bed! So, I wake up (quickly!) and Katy is sitting on the bed next to me telling me that I  sound like a monster when I snore! I fly out of bed, and run for the bathroom! ( gotta pee before I even breathe in the AM) Lena see's me and starts whaling...MAAAAAAAAAAAA-MAAAAAAAAAAA! Obviously, I am not, must be my good morning looks! Anyway, had to pick her up and then pee! Have you ever peed in the morning holding a 1 year old? She is bending over as far as she can to see where it is coming from, I have no free hands to stop her, and because of that trash can of water I drank the night before...I feel like I am going for ever!!! Put on my wings, fly around the house, get clothes, shoes, socks, coats, gloves and hats.....kids are ready! Okay, lets go....Well, I am wearing fruit of the loom boxer-briefs and a tank top! Not good for driving the kids to school! Run upstairs and get changed! Now we are in the car and Katy exclaims, " Daddy, I hope my school is covered in snow so I don't have to go today! (there is less than an inch on the road!) I looked back, smiled, and said, "Me too princess!" we get to school on time, thanks to the Green Hornet!(the 7 seat grocery getter we have upgraded to!) On the way home Lena is screaming for chocolate! We accidentally introduced her to Co-Co Puffs cereal, and my God, does she love it! Sitting at breakfast, I passed gas. Not a little prrt or silent one, but one so loud and smelly that it would make a port-a-potty at a crowded festival hold it's nose! Lena looked at me, started turning bright red, hunched over, and squeezed out an outfit changing, high-chair sanitizing shit followed by a hearty belly-laugh and then yelled "faaaat"!!!! Made my morning! Have a great day people!!!

Life gets faster, time gets slower....

Good morning people! First snow today in Pittsburgh! Why in the hell do I continue to live up here??? I was down in the Carolina's for a week, and almost stayed! I woke up this morning and realized the magic of snow had left me. I woke up, looked outside...and nothing! When I was a kid, I would have been trying to get my snow boots over my pajamas...and screw breakfast....I'm going outside! Now, I just ask myself, Why? Okay let me tell you why....because I happen to be the proud father of a 3 year old who STILL has the magic I once had!!! So, I will re-kindle it through her!(I guess) Katy gets up, looks outside, and starts jumping around like a kangaroo on fire! She REALLY loves this stuff. Vacation was so good, I almost stayed! I mean, if you are going to be homeless, be homeless at the beach! Really? Are there really homeless people in Pittsburgh? or Chicago? I wonder if there are any homeless people in Alaska... dude, IF I were homeless, I would definitely find my way down south. If I could not get down south, and I was stuck in a cold-ass city, I would walk around until I saw a Policeman and some witnesses (in the same area) , and beat the livin' shit out of the cop! Within 2 hours, I would be in Jail, pleading guilty, on my way to the big house, getting 3 hots and a cot, cable TV, gym membership, and another college degree! My rant is over! Have a great day people!!!